Endings Pt. 1

 So, I have been gone a very long time.  This is going to be a series of posts that explain what happened and allow me to say goodbye.  

Physically, I am fine.  I am healthy and safe.

Emotionally and mentally, I'm healing.  

From 2007 until December 25, 2020 I was best friends with an emotionally abusive narcissist.  In that 13 years, I allowed this woman full access to my child and my life.  I ignored the abuse that my daughter was enduring and didn't realize that I was being emotionally trained as a lapdog.  I did not know that I was being manipulated and erased.  

It started like a normal friendship, but quickly became far more.  B infiltrated my life like a cancer that I thought was a gift.  B changed my life in some good ways too, but all of it feels tainted by who I allowed myself to become.  

I don't want to write about 13 years worth of memories.  Lots of them are in this blog.  

My daughter told me for years that she was unhappy and needed to not have B in her daily life.  I ignored her.  I made excuses.  I was so delusional that there are entire gaps in my memory of things that my daughter went through.  She'll tell a story and I will truly not know what she is talking about.  She's not lying.  These things actually happened and I DON'T REMEMBER THEM!  I don't know that I will EVER forgive myself for doing that to her.  

When I met Chris in 2014, things started to change.  All of a sudden I was doing everything wrong.  I apologized constantly because it seems I was always upsetting B.  We went over 3 nights a week for dinner and spent many other evenings there.  

Chris came over shortly after we met for dinner and to meet everyone else.  (B was there when I met him)  B cooks.  She cooks well.  She is also very intense about people "disrespecting" her food.  Chris simply asked to not have the sweet potato fries with dinner.  He was polite.  She cut her eyes over to me and I knew it was going to be bad.  She "joked" with him about hating her food.  Chris felt terrible that he had upset someone who had welcomed him into her home.  He doesn't care for sweet potatoes.  She says that's when she knew he was bad news.  She "joked" that he probably had people buried in his basement.  Every day became an exercise in how far she could go in disparaging Chris.  These weren't the little barbs she flung at my daughter which I had stopped even thinking were strange.  These were blatant and pointed insults.  I took it.  I thought, well, she's just adjusting.  I made more excuses.

I tried to switch our Mon/Wed/Fri schedule to Tue/Wed/Fri because Chris had Monday's off.  That started a meltdown of epic proportions, but it was a slow melt.  One of the kids told me that they were unhappy about something but didn't know how to talk to B.   I talked to her and the meltdown that had been little nitpicky things exploded.  I was never there anymore so how could I tell her that one of her kids was unhappy?  I no longer needed her because I had Chris.  I was abandoning her, S, and the kids.  I felt awful!  How could I be doing this to one of my best friends?  I backed down.  Again.  

A year after I met Chris, 2 of the kids (Kimberly and R) had a school concert.  My father wasn't able to go and neither was Kimberly's father.  B, S, the other 2 kids, and Papa came to see the kids.  Chris and I came to the concert.  There was ONE person in that room that was there especially to see Kimberly and that was Chris.  Chris and I got there first.  B and the family came in looking around.  She saw us and went and sat on the other side of the room because Chris was there.  Knowing how hard things for me in public were at that time.  Knowing that I was having massive anxiety being in a crowded room, and I know she knew these things because she had anxiety as well.  I was so upset.  During intermission, R came up to me, hugged me, and thanked me for being there.  I asked if their mom was okay.  They shrugged.  I was so angry.  I managed, out of not wanting to disappoint my daughter, to hold back my panic attack until I got home that night.  I fell apart.  The next morning, I did not stop by.  B called.  We fought.  Our friendship was over I thought.  I was devastated.  We kept a civil relationship so our kids could still hang out and I could see the Hobbits.  I will never regret having the Hobbits in my life.  I love those 3 enormously.  

One day, early in our friendship, B told me that one day I would leave her because everybody leaves her.  That was a little bit of foreshadowing that I let slip by.  

Life Is Not Easy

(Written May 23, 2018)

I clicked a link the other day to listen to Matthew McConaughey do an inspirational speech.  I didn't really think I'd be inspired, but I'll spend 5 minutes listening to that voice any day of the week.

Since then, I have listened to it dozens of times.  I want to spend as long as it takes me to really analyze why this speaks to me.  So, here I go.

"I'm going to talk to you about some things that I've learned in my journey.  Most from experience, some of them I heard in passing, many of them I'm still practicing, but all of them I do believe are true.  Life is not easy.  It is not.  Don't try to make it that way."

LIFE IS NOT EASY.  It is such a simple concept, yet I am consistently surprised at how hard things are.  Yes, I know, there are people worse off then me.  We're not talking about them, we're talking about me.  This is my therapy session.  Life is so damn hard sometimes that I want to not get out of bed.  It's mentally hard, physically hard, and emotionally hard.  I get so tired.  I want to lay down and sleep until it's easy.  Why?  Why do I want it to be easy?  What on earth do people do with an easy life?  They exist I guess.  I want to live.  I want to breathe, to laugh, to cry, to scream, to hug, to bleed, to really truly live.  I don't think you can do that if life is easy.  I'm working so hard some days to change my life and improve it.  Other days, I wonder why I bother.  I wonder if I can do it.  I slack off and slide back.  Do you know I've lost the same 36 pounds 3 times in the last year?  Every time I lose weight someone is proud of me.  I think "Why?  It's the same 10 pounds I lost 6 months ago.  I just gained it back because I slid down the hill of life".  I can't celebrate that victory because I've already celebrated it, I feel like I'm cheating if I celebrate it again.  I am terrified of succeeding because if I succeed, then I have to self-destruct.  Why?  Why do I have to sabotage my life?  What am I so scared will happen if I'm happy?  Is it because then I think it will all be taken away?  I've gained and lost so much in my life.  I feel like I had a handle on things until my mother died TWENTY ONE years ago.  I've spent 21 years in this weird suspension of emotion that interacts with the rest of my life but is stuck there.  Mourning.  Missing her.  Wondering why.  Wondering how much is my fault.  I would love for my mom to still be here.  If she was, I wouldn't have my wonderful, smart, witty, funny, sarcastic, stubborn, beautiful girl.  I wouldn't give her up for the world.  So here this emotion hangs in suspended animation, knowing that I would die before giving up my girl.  Since time travel isn't a reality (that I know about.  It probably is, but I'm not in on that loop...HA!  That's only funny if you're a nerd like me I guess!) that's all a ridiculous train of thought that is nothing but destructive.  You see,not easy.  Life is not easy.  It is not.  Don't try to make it that way.  Laugh, love, cry, bleed, and live this hard life.  Know that it's hard because it's worth it.  The journey is worth it.  If there are no hills and valleys, you're not living, you're just taking a walk.

Deep Thoughts Pt. 1

People talk about love and desire, but fear is what really runs this big bad world we live in.  It’s what makes us love, makes us hate, and makes us fight.  We’re scared to be alone, we’re scared to get hurt, and we’re so bloody scared of what we don’t understand.  The fear of things we don’t understand has led to enormous amounts of blood, pain, and death.  The Crusades, the Holocaust, Segregation, DOMA; all things led by fear.  FDR said in his first inaugural address that we have “nothing to fear, but fear itself”.   In 1933, Franklin Delano Roosevelt understood the things that plagued our nation had nothing to do with anything but our fear.  I wish that was understood today.  He said “Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. The joy and moral stimulation of work no longer must be forgotten in the mad chase of evanescent profits. These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men”.  I don’t think those dark days were worth it if today’s world is anything to judge by.  It’s all about money and power, the need for both dominated by fear.  People don’t live for joy anymore.  They don’t live for peace, love, or the good of humanity.  It makes me wish for superhero’s to be real.  We could use a Superman, a Wonder Woman, or even the ever flawed Batman. 

Happy 70th Birthday Daddy!

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.  

~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994~

You have woven me a blanket of love Daddy!

Thank you for all of the lessons you have taught me.

For learning how to love, how to be patient, and how to be a good parent.

I wish I could put into words how much I love and appreciate you!

Happy 70th birthday!

I love you so much!

Inner Voice

It takes courage to grow up to become who you really are ~e.e. cummings~

 

When I was pregnant, I was terrified that I was going to be a mother.  I read everything I could find on how to be the best parent I could be.  Six months into the parenting thing I figured out a few things.  Number One: There is no way to be a perfect parent.  Number Two:  You are going to fuck your kid up.  There's just no way around it.  All you can do is try to minimize the damage and save for therapy.  Number Three:  Love your kid above all else and you'll make it all work out.  

That's it.  You're going to get tons of parenting advice when you have your first child.  This is what I tell those woman who ask me for advice.  "Listen to what everyone tells you to do, then ignore them all and do what feels right to you".  

One thing I do believe that all the experts are currently telling us is about your child's inner voice.  As they get older, that inner voice is usually going to be a repetition of the things you've said or not said to them throughout their life.  I've tried very hard to make sure that my daughter's inner voice is one that will help her to be a happy person.  She got her nose pierced today and needless to say, there are some people who are very unhappy about it.  She's too young, she's ruining her life, it's disgusting, blah blah blah blah.  I made sure I told her that I was proud of her and that I loved her.  She thanked me and then asked me why all the lovey dovey.  I told her that I wanted to make sure her inner voice was one that helped her and didn't make her feel bad.  I love my kid so much.  She said "My inner voice is me and I think I rock".  Somewhere, clearly, I've done something right.  So, you keep being you baby girl!  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  You can change this world and do it being the amazing person you are!  Know that I love you and will support you!  You're going to win in life and sometimes you're going to lose.  Through it all, I will be there.  Always.  I will fight for you when you cannot and will fight with you when you can.  My sweet girl.

 

I am unique. Do not compare me with anyone because I wasn't born to be like anyone, act like anyone and think like anyone. ~Frank Matobo~

Many people would be surprised that I'm not a big fan of kids in general.  There are exceptions to this rule of course.  Three of those exceptions are the fabulous and unique children above.  I am privileged enough to get to spend time with these children almost daily.  I love these children like they are my own.  

Sean, you are becoming an amazing man and I am so proud of you!  You know your path and you will follow it with passion and fearlessness.

Sarah, I have watched you blossom into a confident and beautiful young woman.  You no longer fade into the background but proclaim your uniqueness with a strong and powerful voice.  It is such an honor to be a small part of that blossoming.

Shanny.  So wise beyond your years.  You see deeply and truly to the heart of what is.  You fly your flag baby and you do it like nobody I've ever known.

Thank you, my sweet ones, for allowing me to be a part of your lives. 

Know that I love you and will fight for you like I would for Kim.

Know that you are lucky in the mother you have been given.

She will always allow you to be who you are and that is a rare gift.

May your inner voices always speak with love.

That is all.

Demons

We all have them.  Mine live in my head, where most of yours probably live too.  I wish mine would shut up.  I've spent too long feeling less than and for stupid reasons.  I'm trying so hard to feel like I deserve the things in life that many take for granted.  I deserve to be happy, loved, and respected.

 

Warning: rambling ahead..... 

It feels weird to not need your approval.  I spent so many years needing what you would never give me.  Not what you couldn't give me, but what you wouldn't.  I always thought that you didn't love me because there was something wrong with me.  After all, I was the common element in all of my failed relationships.  Clearly, I wasn't good enough.  Turns out, not only was I good enough, but you were really damn lucky that I loved you.  You really missed the boat.  It's okay.  If you had told me a year ago that I was about to say this, I'd have said you were crazy.  I am so glad that you didn't love me.  I am so glad that you made the decisions that you made that enabled me to move on.  Thank you!

Rambling ended.....

Just having one of those introspective nights with too much time to think.  Rather than numbing out the feelings and thoughts, I'm just letting them tumble and jumble.  Through it all, I keep internally chanting my positive self talk which is turning into a mantra.  I am trying to remember that what you believe is what you manifest.  So, I am worthy.  I am lovable.  I am loved.  I am beautiful.  

That is all. 

Summer Fun

Well, summer is here and so is the fun!

We had the after school celebration with the kiddos.  We took them roller skating, lunch, Mallard's Ice Cream, and had a celebration cook out at home.  They worked their patookeses off this year in school.  Sean finished his freshmen year in high school (and how the hell did that happen?  I'm getting old), Sarah and Kim both did their 7th and 8th grade curriculum, and Shanny finished up elementary school.  Kim and Shan have chosen to return to public school next year.  I'm trying really hard to be supportive.  Really, really, really hard.  

Strawberry picking was next with lots of fun and tons of yummy strawberry jam at the end of it.

Of course, there's the fourth of July with the fireworks and the one of two days a year that I allow myself to drink too much.  Becca made tons of food and we spent the day outside in the sun (for almost everyone, I was in the shade).  I am so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life.  

B has some great stuff planned for the kids this summer.  The NW WA Fair, Birch Bay Water Slides, a weekly jaunt to a nearby town to do some spelunking, Do Do Monkey's birthday, and of course the 6th (?) annual Water Balloon Wars!!!!

Never forget, the group camping trip is coming! WAHOO!!!!

 

 

Pride is this next week!  I'm always up for a great parade and festival!  

Sus is coming home for a few days in August and I get to meet her boyfriend which is super cool.  At some point, Kim and I are going to make it down to Sunnyvale to hang out in the fun and sun as well.  I'm not sure where that's going to fit but damnit, it's going to happen!

Of course, the last two months have been full of Chris.  He really is amazing.  For the first time in so long, I'm being treated well and I won't lie, it's nice.  I am completely twitterpated over this incredible man.  We have a lot in common but enough differences to keep it interesting.  He's incredibly shy, sweet, and very funny.  Yep, twitterpated.  I don't care that spell check keeps telling me that it's not a word.  If it's good enough for Thumper, it's good enough for me!

Off and running so more later!

That is all.