Sunday, November 18, 2018

Life Is Not Easy

(Written May 23, 2018)

I clicked a link the other day to listen to Matthew McConaughey do an inspirational speech.  I didn't really think I'd be inspired, but I'll spend 5 minutes listening to that voice any day of the week.

Since then, I have listened to it dozens of times.  I want to spend as long as it takes me to really analyze why this speaks to me.  So, here I go.

"I'm going to talk to you about some things that I've learned in my journey.  Most from experience, some of them I heard in passing, many of them I'm still practicing, but all of them I do believe are true.  Life is not easy.  It is not.  Don't try to make it that way."

LIFE IS NOT EASY.  It is such a simple concept, yet I am consistently surprised at how hard things are.  Yes, I know, there are people worse off then me.  We're not talking about them, we're talking about me.  This is my therapy session.  Life is so damn hard sometimes that I want to not get out of bed.  It's mentally hard, physically hard, and emotionally hard.  I get so tired.  I want to lay down and sleep until it's easy.  Why?  Why do I want it to be easy?  What on earth do people do with an easy life?  They exist I guess.  I want to live.  I want to breathe, to laugh, to cry, to scream, to hug, to bleed, to really truly live.  I don't think you can do that if life is easy.  I'm working so hard some days to change my life and improve it.  Other days, I wonder why I bother.  I wonder if I can do it.  I slack off and slide back.  Do you know I've lost the same 36 pounds 3 times in the last year?  Every time I lose weight someone is proud of me.  I think "Why?  It's the same 10 pounds I lost 6 months ago.  I just gained it back because I slid down the hill of life".  I can't celebrate that victory because I've already celebrated it, I feel like I'm cheating if I celebrate it again.  I am terrified of succeeding because if I succeed, then I have to self-destruct.  Why?  Why do I have to sabotage my life?  What am I so scared will happen if I'm happy?  Is it because then I think it will all be taken away?  I've gained and lost so much in my life.  I feel like I had a handle on things until my mother died TWENTY ONE years ago.  I've spent 21 years in this weird suspension of emotion that interacts with the rest of my life but is stuck there.  Mourning.  Missing her.  Wondering why.  Wondering how much is my fault.  I would love for my mom to still be here.  If she was, I wouldn't have my wonderful, smart, witty, funny, sarcastic, stubborn, beautiful girl.  I wouldn't give her up for the world.  So here this emotion hangs in suspended animation, knowing that I would die before giving up my girl.  Since time travel isn't a reality (that I know about.  It probably is, but I'm not in on that loop...HA!  That's only funny if you're a nerd like me I guess!) that's all a ridiculous train of thought that is nothing but destructive.  You see,not easy.  Life is not easy.  It is not.  Don't try to make it that way.  Laugh, love, cry, bleed, and live this hard life.  Know that it's hard because it's worth it.  The journey is worth it.  If there are no hills and valleys, you're not living, you're just taking a walk.

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