I've written, rewritten, and written again so many times in the last two weeks. I haven't disappeared. Becca's mom passed Saturday morning and the words just aren't coming out right. My best friend has this giant hole in her heart and life. Things are so hard right now for everyone and all we can do is just keep going. I don't have words of wisdom. All I have is love for my family, because they are my family, and this horrible grief. If I could spare them all this pain for something that I know is a part of life, I would. I don't care that it's a part of life. I hate it. Death sucks for those of us who live on. We are left trying to make sense of something so sudden and so painful. There is no sense in this. There's no way to make this okay. I feel selfish because I have this huge grief and it feels like I'm not able to help her with hers because I am so sad. Sad and really fucking mad. Sorry Nana. I really am. This isn't fair damnit! I know life isn't fair and once again, I just don't care. I don't want people to tell me that she's not in pain now. I don't want people to tell me that she's in a better place. I don't want these trite platitudes that people say because they don't know what else to say. I know that they are trying to help and that they really believe it. Fuck it. She has a lot of life to live and I want her back. I want her back for Becca, Tim, the kids, and for me. She wasn't done with everything she needed to do. Becca's not all growed up and to be honest, I'm not either. She's become like my mother and I have already done this. I don't want to do it again. I know. I know the pain that my friend feels and will feel. I know how it feels to wake up one day and it's all just real. To pick up the phone to call her and she's not there. To cook a holiday dinner and know that she won't be there to eat it. To start shopping for her only to realize that she'll never open the present you bought her. To just want to hold her hand one more time.
Thank you Colleen. For making my life better. For making me want to be better. For raising such an amazing woman who has become such an important and vital part of my life. I will miss you more than I could ever explain. I hope you know how much I love you! Thursdays will never be the same. I will carry you in my heart for the rest of my life. Every time I see something with a moose on it, I will smile and think of you. I will still make you chocolate orange cupcakes on your unbirthday. I think foxglove will always make me a little sad. Did you know that Becca and I identified a bird in the snowball tree? It was a Cedar Waxwing. We never got to tell you. I wish we could have.
That is all.