Saturday, January 28, 2012

It's Not Real

THIS is true beauty!

I spend a lot of time thinking about the bombardment of beauty in this world.  I have self-esteem issues myself and always have.  My daughter has some issues with body image and it breaks my heart.  I watch the struggle that people go through (yes ladies, men go through it too, just  not as vocally as we do) to try and be physically "perfect" like the people we, for some reason, idolize.  There is a GREAT post by Crunchy Betty here that says a lot of things that I think we need to hear.  First and foremost is this:

You need to understand that what you see in the magazine and on the TV is not real.  Stop aiming for it, because it is simply not real.

I'll let you read the rest of the post yourself and if you have pre-teen or teenagers, then let them read it as well.  Until we, as adults, understand that the standard of beauty that is set in this country is unrealistic, and is in fact dangerous, things will not change.  Our girls, and yes our boys too (they are the fastest growing population of anorexic and bulimic teens and pre-teens), will continue to look at their bodies in a negative light.

It's hard to raise children with a positive self image when they are constantly exposed to the "perfection" of the models that they see.  You can turn off the TV, but as long as they can see books, magazines, and billboards; they will see these perfect people.  They will not see the airbrushing, the stylists, the makeup crew, the photoshopping, or anything else done to make these pictures and people look so good.

I try to teach my daughter that it's all fake, that natural beauty comes from eating healthy foods, drinking water, and loving yourself.  I'm not always successful but I try.

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting".
~e.e. cummings~

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Week 3

October 2, 2009
It's week 3 and I'm down 36 pounds.
I'm eating right, juicing, and moving more.

Today starts Day 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred.  Eeeeek!
I'm a little scared of Jillian!

My daughter and I just did our first shred.  Jillian Michaels: I despise you with the fire of a thousand suns.  I will not cry if you get a boil on your pert little ass.  That was the worst 20 minutes of my life and I've had some pretty horrific moments.  At the end of it, I looked over at the crumpled form of my daughter, and said "Tomorrow good for you?".  Check back next week to see if I have recovered the love I used to have for Jillian.

It's a bumpy ride but far less bumpy than past efforts.

Okay, this was a quick update.  Lots to do today!

Peace and Love

That is all.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Kiss My Ass Paula Deen!

*picture from*

In case you haven't heard this week, there is some shocking news.
The Baroness of Butter, the Countess of Cream, the Lady of Lard; has Type 2 Diabetes.
Of course I speak of the sweet Southern Belle, Paula "Deep-Fry It" Deen.

Am I pissed that Paula has Diabetes?  Of course not!  Am I pissed that she's known for over three years and kept it a secret while raking in the bucks showing people how to make things like Ultimate Fantasy Deep Fried Cheesecake, and Deep Fried Lasagna?  Hell yes!  She came out with the news of her diabetes only AFTER she secured a deal with Novo Nordisk to hawk their diabetes medication.  What a hypocritical bitch y'all!

I'm having a bit of trouble holding down my tomato/spinach/garlic juice right now.  It could be quotes like "I’m here today to let the world know that it is not a death sentence".  No shit honey!  Really?  Type 2 Diabetes is not a death sentence?  It's completely preventable with the proper diet and exercise?  You mean, you can actually CURE yourself of Type 2 Diabetes?  That is unless you eat things like Deep-Fried Stuffing on a Stick from her website.  There is over 20 grams of fat per serving in that little gem, which is my best guess using a nutritional calculator because you can't find ANY nutritional information on (as of the writing of this blog at least).  That didn't count the fat used to fry it in, by the way, that's just the fucking ingredients. 

Here's another quote to make you just a tad more queasy.  "Here’s the thing, you know, I’ve always encouraged moderation.  On my show, you know, I share with you all these yummy, fattening recipes, but I tell people 'in moderation".  I've watched your show Paula.  I've actually heard you say the words "Now remember y'all, you can eat this in moderation" with a coy wink, a sly smile, all the while sliding the 2 sticks of butter into the bowl for your Fried Butter Balls.

What's funny about this?  I used to admire Paula Deen.  She pulled herself out of a hell that I know a lot about (social anxiety and agoraphobia), so I respected the hell out of her.  I have even occasionally thought "If Paula Deen can do it, so can I".  Not about her cooking, I can't handle that shit, but about her anxiety issues.

I've always thought Anthony Bourdain a bit of an ass but with quotes like "Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later", I am gaining an appreciation for him.  He, before this lovely bit of news, called Deen “the worst, most dangerous person to America," who "revels in her unholy connections with evil corporations" and is "proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you".  My appreciation may be bordering on actual like here!

If Paula Deen had come out and said "I have Type 2 Diabetes.  Please don't eat that shit that I was hawking.  I am going to take down my disgusting ass, nutritional information barren website, and put up my new diabetes conscious website", I would have said "Way to go Paula"!  But to wait three years, all the while knowing that the garbage you sell is killing people, that's unconscionable. She waited until she had a lucrative endorsement, her son got a deal for a "health conscious" cooking show (which is called "Not My Mama's Meals for fucks sake), and a fancy "light" website ready.  She's a disgusting pig.  Speaking of pigs, let's watch Paula get hit by a ham!

 Makes me smile every goddamn time!

"When your signature dish is hamburger in between a doughnut, and you've been cheerfully selling this stuff knowing all along that you've got Type 2 Diabetes ... It's in bad taste if nothing else," says Anthony Bourdain.

You're right Bourdain.  
It does leave a bad taste in my mouth.
I think I'm going to go have a cigarette.

That is all.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I'm Sorry Nana

Oops, no update in a few days!  I'm sorry Nana.  Just for you, this post will contain no foul language.  It's because I love you bunches of oats. :)

Today is Day 9 of the Reboot.  Unfortunately it will be my last day.  I woke up with a brutal sinus infection today so I will be starting antibiotics tomorrow.  This means that I have to have at least some solid fruits and vegetables in my stomach.  

Since Monday the 9th, I have drank the most amazing and wonderful combination of juices.  Plus two really gross juices that we won't talk about.  Experimentation must be done with care and in small doses!  I have far more energy and (with the exception of my sinus infection) feel fantastic.  I have lost 32 pounds as of this morning.  Only 298 left to go folks!  My pain level is less and for that reason alone (as I've said before) I will be juicing for the rest of my life.  Micronutrients are a wonderful thing!

I will NEVER look like this again!
I will start integrating fresh fruits and vegetables into my diet after my dinner juice tonight.  I'm trying something yummy that Becca is making me with golden beets in it.  I'm pretty excited.  :) 

The word of the week here in my county is Snow Snow Snow Snow Snow.....freakin' SNOW!  So, before it got bad, I packed up all the fruits and veggies (and some food for my lovely child) and our stuff and came to Becca's.  If I'm going to be stranded, it's going to be here in Jonestown; where the Kool Aid is optional.
10 more inches due by tomorrow night!  BRRRR!

This journey that I am on is amazing.  I have learned so much about food, nutrition, and am (for the first time in my life) changing my relationship with food.  I still love food but not in the quantity and definitely in a better quality than before.  I have lost weight before using many ways.  The best is Weight Watchers.  Their program is fantastic and I encourage people to use it.  There are some cases, I am one, where all of their training is in my brain but no matter how much I knew, wasn't able to change my relationship with food. 

I became a vegetarian a year ago with watching Food, Inc. and finding out where the meat that I was eating came from.  Since then, I have devoured (not always enthusiastically and sometimes with downright despair) knowledge of food.  I am in no way close to being done (re: 298 pounds left) but I feel like I have a solid footing.  I feel like I can save my life with a little help from my friends.  To Susy, for being willing to take on the financial burden to help me change my life (even though it looks like I won't be getting surgery); to Morgan for encouraging me to move my rear end and being with me while I do it; and to Becca for teaching me, learning with me, cooking with and for me, and for being the one I call in tears when I'm feeling hopeless: I thank you.  From the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you!  Without you three fabulous women, I'd be picking out my burial shroud at the far too young age of 36.  It sounds dramatic but it was only a matter of time before my body realized that it couldn't handle anymore of what I was doing to it.

Thank you to those of you who read my words and laugh, cry, and encourage me to write more. 

Peace, love, and a long healthy life,

That is all.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Toe Tagged and Quick Reboot Update

Quick update:  Down 26 pounds and feeling good!  Missing food but it's not bad most of the time.  Today is day 6.  4 more to go! 

(Too funny!  A toe tag picture and an update on the Reboot.  I'm so easily amused.)

Cyn over at Misadventures of a Chunky Goddess tagged me.  Toe tagged me as a matter of fact.  Cyn is absolutely fantastic.  She’s inspirational and tells it like it is.  Just the kind of person I like.   I know, these things are dumb but I dig them. 

Here are the rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things yourself.
3. Answer the ques­tions the tag­ger set for you in their post.
4. Cre­ate 11 new ques­tions for the peo­ple you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tag­ging sec­tion about ‘you are tagged if you are read­ing this.’ blah blah blah, you legit­i­mately have to tag 11 peeps!

random things about me:
1.  I’m the baby.  Yep, the 3rd child.  Most of my personality is 1st child personality though, except for my need to be taken care of.  I can take care of me, but I want someone else to do it! lol
2.  My doctor uses the phrase “random weirdness” when he can’t explain why something is happening to me.  For instance, my toe lost all feeling for no medical reason for about 2 months.
3.  I will start the laundry and fold the laundry but don’t ask me to switch it or put it away.
4.  I dream of Sven.  Sven is a Swedish masseuse who is mute and ripped.  Yep, sexist as hell, isn’t it?
5.  I’m a Scorpio on the cusp of Libra.  I’ve only been able to maintain a friendship with one Libra my whole life. 
6.  My grandmother, mother, aunt, and I are all writers.  Only my grandmother has been published. 
7.  I am a control freak.
8.  I am also a germophobe.  Yep, one of those crazy people who asks people who are sick to go away (or I go away myself).  Germs post
9.  I get annoyed when people follow my blog just to get me to follow theirs.  If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t follow.  Also irritating is the comment “I am now following you, please follow me”.  I’d rather have 10 people that actually read my blog than 100 followers who don’t.
10. I worship my sleep.  I get very upset when people interrupt it for no reason.  Grrrrrrr.
11.  My favorite holiday is Samhain.

The 11 folks I’m going to make think are:
1.   Christina from Simply Christina
2.   Steph from Good Girl Gone Green
3.   KerrieLynn from KL's Cupboard
4.   Rachel from Because I Have To
5.   Sarah from Spinach Leaves and Sugar Snap Peas
6.   Jennie from Snapdragon Diaries
7.   Angela from The Pagan Mom Blog
8.   Olivia from This 'N That With Olivia
9.   Mom of the Fab 4 from Life With Four Crazy Kids
10. Jenn from Misadventures In Motherhood
11. Julie from A Day In The Wife

11 Questions from Cyn:
1.   what is your middle name & the story behind it?
My middle name is Amanda.  My name was supposed to be Amanda Susan but my dad put his hand over my mom’s mouth and said “Susan Amanda” when asked for the name for the birth certificate.  Thank you Daddy!

2.   what is the best concert/show you have ever been to?
Hands down, Savatage’s Dead Winter Dead Tour in New England.  It was fantastic!

3.   favorite perfume/body spray?
Allergic to most.  I like Goddess by Avon but it has to be super light.

4.   would you ever have plastic surgery & if so what would you have done?
Yes, when I am down to a reasonable weight, I will have the excess skin removed.  There will be a lot of it.

5.   what is your biggest fear?
That something will happen to my daughter.

6.   who do think is the most annoying celebrity right now?
Justin Bieber.

7.   who is the funniest person you know?
Hmmm, this is hard because my friends are pretty funny.

8.   favorite disney princess?
Good question.  I like this.  My favorite Disney Princess is Mulan.  She didn’t lay around waiting for some guy to save her.  She went out and kicked ass.

9.   someone (other than spouse/partner) that just melts your butter big time?
Vin Diesel and Bob Harper.  Yummmmmy.

10.favorite form of exercise?

11.what is your dream profession?

My 11 questions:
1.   Does your sheet thread count matter to you?
2.   What is your greatest accomplishment?
3.   What is your greatest failure?
4.   Who is your favorite Disney Villian?
5.   What game are you most addicted to?
6.   Lick the cream out of the oreo or eat it all together?
7.   Favorite place to vacation?
8.   One thing you do for the environment on a regular basis?
9.   Netflix, Amazon, neither, or both?
10.What made you start blogging?

Friday, January 13, 2012

I miss you Mommy

That is my beautiful mother back in (probably) 1968 with my sister.  

Dear Mom,
Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of your death.  I miss you so much that sometimes it's overwhelming.  Everyday I strive to be half the woman, half the mother, half the human being that you were.  I wonder some days if you would be proud of me.  Kim's 12 now.  She looks so much like you and sometimes when she looks at me, I feel like you are there.  I miss you so much mommy.  Why did you have to leave me?  Sometimes I dream of you and it's so real.  I wake up and I'm so comforted but then I realize that it was just a dream and it feels like losing you all over again.  I love and hate those dreams all at the same time.  Why didn't you go to the doctor when I told you to?  Why weren't we able to save you?  Why did you give up?  We were fighting so hard to save you, why didn't you fight harder to save yourself?  It's taken me 15 years to ask that question.  Why didn't you fight harder?  Damn it mom.  I wish you were here.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Day Four of Reboot

I felt great yesterday after about 10am.  Did really well until about 8 last night.  Got the sweats and it was awful.  They lasted about an hour an then I was okay.  I'm super tired today but feeling better.  Down a total of 21 pounds.  So tired of arguing with Dave.  Just keep swimming, right?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Day Three of Reboot

Well, I don't feel quite like dying anymore. In fact, last night, for about two hours, I felt fantastic.  Like I haven't felt in years.  However, this morning not so much.  I'm a little scared as Becca came over to drop off Kimbo's lunch and apparently someone has attached a faucet to her ass.  Like, every 15 minutes she's in the bathroom.  I'm scared because she's little.  I'm not.  If this is a proportionate response, somebody call Roto Rooter folks.  Yep, I told you, honesty.  Will I ever do this again?  Ask me after it's over.  Right now I'd tell you no and probably maim you for a salad.  On the bonus, down 13.6 pounds since Monday morning.  I know this gets better but right now it feels like it never will.  It's like having the flu.  You feel like you're going to die, then you feel like it's never going away, and then one magical day; you feel better.  

Here's to waiting for the magical day. 
Peace.....and ....  damnit, all I can think of is a salad....

That is all.

Oops, no it's not.  I walked with Morgan last night even though I felt like hell.  Yay me and Yay Morgan!

That is all.
For Sure.

I'm a liar. LOL  There is more.  Would I do this again?  Yes.  I was taking stock of my body this morning and reflecting on yesterday.  I hurt less.  Way less.  I still hurt like crazy but it's definitely less.  I slept for two hours straight last night (a small miracle) and I didn't wake up crying from the pain.  To give you some sleep background:  I sleep between four to five hours a night.  It's not all at once.  I get up at least once or twice an hour and I'm constantly moving even when I'm asleep (or so I'm told) because my pain level is so high.  A lot of people think four to five hours is a lot.  Some days, just getting out of bed makes me feel like I won a battle.  It's hard to move this body around all day, every day and not just stay in bed.  I do it because I have to.  I can't be that person laying in bed on Maury crying "I just couldn't get out of bed one day".  Nothing against those people but that won't be me.  So, if nothing else, to lessen my pain, yes I'll do this again.  I plan on keeping juicing as a part of my life even when I start easing back into real food again.  The energy you get from juicing is really cool, even when you feel horrid at first. 

Okay, I've rambled enough.  Enjoy your day and stay as awesome as you are. 
That really is all.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Day Two of Reboot

Do the words, Kill Me Now, mean anything to you? 
Okay, maybe I don't really want to die but holy crud, I feel craptastical!!!!  I know it will get better because veterans of the Reboot tell me it will.  I was feeling like the world's biggest pansy until Becca dropped off Kim's lunch and told me she felt the same.  YAY!  Sorry she feels like crap but glad I'm not alone.  
The toxins are definitely starting to get the idea that they aren't welcome here.  I just wish they'd be good house guests and leave in a subdued manner rather than making me feel like I've already died and they are dancing on my grave.  I swear, I'm peeing like every four minutes.  At least that's all I'm doing....shudder.  Yep, you'll be getting way too much information here on the Reboot effects.  
I don't know what else to say, mostly because I can't really complete a thought without getting distracted! lol 
Thanks for the support everyone!  You all rock hard and I know this is going to be great for me in the end.  Keep being the amazing people you are!

That is all.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Day One of Reboot

Here it is, day one.  This whole last week was interesting but a lot of it was anxiety about doing this.  Self doubts and negative thinking went along with some of it.  The rest was excitement because I know I will be feeling better.

Got up this morning, had orange juice because I had to go to the store.  Becca picked me up and we went to the Market.  GREAT produce their but a little spendy on some of it.  Hit up Trader Joes for the rest.  Yay for Becca helping me!  Thanks love!

Definitely getting a different juicer as this one has a very small chute.  It can't even take a full carrot.  No worries.  I made up my own juice for lunch.  Now, why I thought I would just throw together some stuff and it would work out (have you seen me cook?) and taste great is beyond me.  It tastes okay.  Needs some more apple and mint but I think it can be saved for the next time.  I read on the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead facebook page a good rule of thumb for those nervous about getting started.  1 part leafy green.  1 part vegetable you don't particularly like.  1 part vegetable you like or tolerate.  1 part enough fruit to cover the taste of the vegetables! lol  I love it. 

I'll keep you all updated.  There will be ups and downs but I'll tell you what's what. 
Peace and Love.

That is all.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Two Saturdays

I finished school in October and said I was going to take six months off. Becca looked at me about a week ago and said "You're going crazy, aren't you?".  The answer to that is a resounding yes!  So I reapplied and will be starting school on January 17th.  Apparently three months is how long I can last without acquiring major deb...knowledge  I meant knowledge.  

This is probably going to be a pretty random post.  I have a lot sloshing around in this brain of mine and a need, a burning need, to get it all out.

Truth is something that shouldn't be so difficult.  You open your mouth and the truth should come out, but it doesn't.  This society has been built around half truths, omissions, and flat out lies.  When do we just say enough and tell the goddamn truth?  Quit the manipulations and the bullshit.  Don't lie.  Don't fabricate.  Don't omit.  That's it, just tell the truth and yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans.  
I have recently come to discover that I like being strong.  I have always regretted in some ways being strong because when you're the rock, who is your rock?  Well, I have those I consider rocks and I lean on them but I am strong.  I am capable.  I can handle the things that come my way because I am so strong.  I do not require the constant attention of others and in fact find a solace in being alone occasionally.  I know that were there nobody else, I could still make it.  I don't need to bind people to me with my need.  

Okay, I'm going to get this posted.  A lot going on in my head and it's not coming out right.  Maybe I'll let it keep rocking around in there.

That is all.

Friday, January 6, 2012

3 days to Reboot

It's 3 days until Becca and I start the Reboot Juice Fast.  I'm pretty excited/nervous about it.  I know it's going to be hard at first but the benefits are enormous.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should watch Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.  Fantastic documentary about Joe Cross and how he saved his own life, got off his medications, and is helping others do the same.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend.  I'll be doing daily updates for the 10 days of the Reboot.

Thank you all for all the support you throw my way!  
Peace and Love.

That is all.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Week 2 Update

Quite possibly the most stressful week in recent history.  Needless to say, I did not do what I needed to do and I'm back up to 503.6.  Back on track today.  I am so ashamed of myself.

Good things about this week:
Morgan and I started walking this week.  We're going to walk 3 days a week.  Thank you Morgan!
I drank my smoothie every morning.
Goals for this week:
Get back on track, eating wise.  Raw food only in the morning until 11am.
Start getting up at a reasonable hour instead of sleeping in.
Re-enroll for school.

I hope you all had a great New Year's Eve.
Have a Blessed 2012!

That is all.