Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy 70th Birthday Daddy!

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.  
~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994~

You have woven me a blanket of love Daddy!
Thank you for all of the lessons you have taught me.
For learning how to love, how to be patient, and how to be a good parent.
I wish I could put into words how much I love and appreciate you!

Happy 70th birthday!

I love you so much!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Inner Voice

It takes courage to grow up to become who you really are ~e.e. cummings~
When I was pregnant, I was terrified that I was going to be a mother.  I read everything I could find on how to be the best parent I could be.  Six months into the parenting thing I figured out a few things.  Number One: There is no way to be a perfect parent.  Number Two:  You are going to fuck your kid up.  There's just no way around it.  All you can do is try to minimize the damage and save for therapy.  Number Three:  Love your kid above all else and you'll make it all work out.  

That's it.  You're going to get tons of parenting advice when you have your first child.  This is what I tell those woman who ask me for advice.  "Listen to what everyone tells you to do, then ignore them all and do what feels right to you".  

One thing I do believe that all the experts are currently telling us is about your child's inner voice.  As they get older, that inner voice is usually going to be a repetition of the things you've said or not said to them throughout their life.  I've tried very hard to make sure that my daughter's inner voice is one that will help her to be a happy person.  She got her nose pierced today and needless to say, there are some people who are very unhappy about it.  She's too young, she's ruining her life, it's disgusting, blah blah blah blah.  I made sure I told her that I was proud of her and that I loved her.  She thanked me and then asked me why all the lovey dovey.  I told her that I wanted to make sure her inner voice was one that helped her and didn't make her feel bad.  I love my kid so much.  She said "My inner voice is me and I think I rock".  Somewhere, clearly, I've done something right.  So, you keep being you baby girl!  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  You can change this world and do it being the amazing person you are!  Know that I love you and will support you!  You're going to win in life and sometimes you're going to lose.  Through it all, I will be there.  Always.  I will fight for you when you cannot and will fight with you when you can.  My sweet girl.

I am unique. Do not compare me with anyone because I wasn't born to be like anyone, act like anyone and think like anyone. ~Frank Matobo~
Many people would be surprised that I'm not a big fan of kids in general.  There are exceptions to this rule of course.  Three of those exceptions are the fabulous and unique children above.  I am privileged enough to get to spend time with these children almost daily.  I love these children like they are my own.  

Sean, you are becoming an amazing man and I am so proud of you!  You know your path and you will follow it with passion and fearlessness.

Sarah, I have watched you blossom into a confident and beautiful young woman.  You no longer fade into the background but proclaim your uniqueness with a strong and powerful voice.  It is such an honor to be a small part of that blossoming.

Shanny.  So wise beyond your years.  You see deeply and truly to the heart of what is.  You fly your flag baby and you do it like nobody I've ever known.

Thank you, my sweet ones, for allowing me to be a part of your lives. 
Know that I love you and will fight for you like I would for Kim.
Know that you are lucky in the mother you have been given.
She will always allow you to be who you are and that is a rare gift.
May your inner voices always speak with love.

That is all.

Sunday, August 25, 2013


We all have them.  Mine live in my head, where most of yours probably live too.  I wish mine would shut up.  I've spent too long feeling less than and for stupid reasons.  I'm trying so hard to feel like I deserve the things in life that many take for granted.  I deserve to be happy, loved, and respected.
Warning: rambling ahead..... 

It feels weird to not need your approval.  I spent so many years needing what you would never give me.  Not what you couldn't give me, but what you wouldn't.  I always thought that you didn't love me because there was something wrong with me.  After all, I was the common element in all of my failed relationships.  Clearly, I wasn't good enough.  Turns out, not only was I good enough, but you were really damn lucky that I loved you.  You really missed the boat.  It's okay.  If you had told me a year ago that I was about to say this, I'd have said you were crazy.  I am so glad that you didn't love me.  I am so glad that you made the decisions that you made that enabled me to move on.  Thank you!

Rambling ended.....

Just having one of those introspective nights with too much time to think.  Rather than numbing out the feelings and thoughts, I'm just letting them tumble and jumble.  Through it all, I keep internally chanting my positive self talk which is turning into a mantra.  I am trying to remember that what you believe is what you manifest.  So, I am worthy.  I am lovable.  I am loved.  I am beautiful.  

That is all. 

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Summer Fun

Well, summer is here and so is the fun!

We had the after school celebration with the kiddos.  We took them roller skating, lunch, Mallard's Ice Cream, and had a celebration cook out at home.  They worked their patookeses off this year in school.  Sean finished his freshmen year in high school (and how the hell did that happen?  I'm getting old), Sarah and Kim both did their 7th and 8th grade curriculum, and Shanny finished up elementary school.  Kim and Shan have chosen to return to public school next year.  I'm trying really hard to be supportive.  Really, really, really hard.  

Strawberry picking was next with lots of fun and tons of yummy strawberry jam at the end of it.

Of course, there's the fourth of July with the fireworks and the one of two days a year that I allow myself to drink too much.  Becca made tons of food and we spent the day outside in the sun (for almost everyone, I was in the shade).  I am so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life.  

B has some great stuff planned for the kids this summer.  The NW WA Fair, Birch Bay Water Slides, a weekly jaunt to a nearby town to do some spelunking, Do Do Monkey's birthday, and of course the 6th (?) annual Water Balloon Wars!!!!

Never forget, the group camping trip is coming! WAHOO!!!!

Sus is coming home for a few days in August and I get to meet her boyfriend which is super cool.  At some point, Kim and I are going to make it down to Sunnyvale to hang out in the fun and sun as well.  I'm not sure where that's going to fit but damnit, it's going to happen!

Of course, the last two months have been full of Chris.  He really is amazing.  For the first time in so long, I'm being treated well and I won't lie, it's nice.  I am completely twitterpated over this incredible man.  We have a lot in common but enough differences to keep it interesting.  He's incredibly shy, sweet, and very funny.  Yep, twitterpated.  I don't care that spell check keeps telling me that it's not a word.  If it's good enough for Thumper, it's good enough for me!

Off and running so more later!

That is all.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

A Year

I cannot believe a year has passed.  

A year of birthdays, sunrises, and yes, of grief.  You are so missed Nana and still loved beyond measure.

Thursdays still aren't the same.  I made your cupcakes for your birthday.  The cedar waxwings came back.

I love you Colleen!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Worst Blogger Ever!

 Hi Kittens!  

Yes, I know, I'm the worst blogger ever.  Over a month has gone by and I have not blogged.  I feel shame.  Shame and anguish!  I do hope you'll forgive me!  Life has been a bit busy but I am going to try to get better about blogging.  I know, you've heard it before, but this time I mean it....;)

 As you can see, B bought the kids a trampoline.  In completely unrelated news, Kim sprained her wrist.  We also had a very scary trip to the emergency room.  Like, call an ambulance for my passed out and unresponsive daughter, scary.  Not a fun time.  Still not sure what is going on but she had an allergic reaction to something and dehydration didn't help that any.  She had food allergy testing on Tuesday and we are waiting for Children's to call about getting her back in with the gastroenterologist.  She's been having stomach problems for a few weeks and we're not going to wait until this gets bad to get it figured it out this time. 

Mother's Day is usually within a few days of  my mom's birthday and it's rarely a good day for me.  Although I try not to mire myself in grief, I usually spend the day in a funk.  This year, mom's birthday fell on the same day as the Heritage plant sale in Ferndale.  B and her mom went every year and this is her first year without her.  We decided to be selfish and take the day for ourselves.  We went to the plant sale which began with us crying in the car.  We walked over and I immediately saw a Wisteria that had my name all over it.  It was mom's favorite plant and what better way to wish her a Happy Birthday?  Poppa gave B some $$ for us to buy plants and have lunch so thank you Poppa for the pretty plant!  I picked up a few other plants and a present for Sarah's birthday, then I went to sit down.  Part of my way of handling my anxiety is people watching.  I noticed this guy who was cute and figured he was waiting for his wife because it was clear he wasn't interested in the plants.  Becca and I were chatting back and forth across the sale and one of my friends showed up.  I noticed, while talking to Michelle, that this man had gone to talk to Becca.  Hmmm...odd.  My friend went off to find plants and this man walks up to me "Susan"?  "Yes?"  "Your friend told me to come over here, my name is Chris".  Let's face it folks.  For such an intelligent woman, I'm kind of a moron.  I assumed he was Becca's ex boyfriend Chris and she wanted me to meet him.  I'm smooth too, let me tell you.  "It's nice to finally meet you".  A few seconds of small talk and I went back to talking to my friend Michelle.  As Becca and I were leaving, I feel a tap on my shoulder.  This guy hands me his phone number written on a piece of paper and all sheepishly (and how adorable can he be?) told me if I wanted to call him, that would be great.  I smiled and think I said something like "Oh cool!  Have a good day".  He walked back into the store near the plant sale.  I walk up to B and say "Your creeper ex boyfriend just gave me his phone number".  "I've never seen that guy before in my life.  He came up to me and asked if you were single.  When I told him yes, he said you were beautiful so I gave him your name and told him he should talk to you.  I think he came out specifically to meet you".  Yep, smooth as glass, that's me.  This totally cute guy is hitting on me and I'm not only oblivious but kind of ridiculous.  Becca and I had a great day filled with memories, fun, and I think being together really helped us get through a miserable day.  I got home around 9 that night and the next day was Mother's Day so I didn't get a chance to call Chris until Monday night.  We talked for four hours that night and have been rather inseparable since.  He's fantastic, my kid adores him, and he thinks I'm amazing.  I am over the moon for this guy!!!  It's so nice to finally be happy and he does make me so happy!  Okay, enough gushing.  You'll be hearing more about Chris in the future, never fear!

Well, I've babbled on long enough.  School's almost done for the kids and summer is almost here.  It's been a rough year here in The 'Ham and I'm hoping the next year will gift us with happiness, peace, and love.

That is all Poppets. 

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Victory In My Defeat

I've talked about my anxiety on the blog before.  
It is pretty severe and every time I think I'm getting better, I am reminded that I'm really not.  
I've talked about how some days, it takes everything I have to crawl out of bed.

Today, I crawled out of bed knowing that I had a garden project meeting.  
This is a great program.  They build you a 4'x8' raised bed garden, fill it with awesome soil, section it into 1' sections, provide you with training, seeds and starts.  

There are 3, two hour meetings.  The first one, today I thought, is where you learn about what grows here in Whatcom County and you order the seeds and starts that you would like.  Kevin ended up having to work because it is the Fun With The Fuzz 5K.  Kim and Beth had plans to volunteer at the Humane Society and then spend the day together just bumming around the mall, value village, and Goods Produce.  That left me on my own.  Going to an unfamiliar place with people I don't know.  Cue the anxiety.  I got dressed, I waited and waited for what seemed like forever until it was time to go.  I drove into town and got a coffee at  Cool Beans, then went to the ReStore where the meeting was being held.  I thought.

I get there and have to choose between the stairs and the elevator.  I was shaking a lot so I took the elevator because I didn't want to fall on the stairs and embarrass the crap out of myself.  Can we say wrong choice??  I get in the elevator which is tiny, but I can handle that.  The door closes.  The light does not work.  I am now in a pitch black box that is not moving.  At all.  I pulled out my phone for a bit of light.  Three minutes later the box finally ascends.  Sort of.  It groaned, stuttered, stopped at one point, and finally got to the 2nd floor.  The door stayed closed.  At this point, I really am proud of myself for not curling into a ball and sobbing until the vet showed up to put me down.  The door opens and I practically flew out of the death lift, shaking even more than when I got into it.  I walked down the to entrance door on this beautiful veranda with lovely plant boxes and nice chairs to sit in.  The door was locked.  There were no signs.  Nothing.  I knock on the door thinking maybe I got the time wrong and there was somebody in there.  Nothing.  I peek in the very dark windows.  Nobody.  I sit down in one of the chairs, take a sip of my coffee, and text Becca.  JoJo calls me back because B is driving (he went last year and he could tell me if I was in the right place).  I was in the right place.  A quick call to Julia (the coordinator) that went unanswered and I decided to take the stairs down and ask in the ReStore if anyone knew if I was in the right place at the right time.  Blank looks and shrugs.

At this point, I feel like I'm going to pass out so I go out to my car before I embarrass myself more.  I drive to the redbox at 7-11 and grab a few movies I had reserved for Beth, Kimmie, and myself.  Becca called to make sure that I was okay.  I was.  Ish.  I knew I'd be okay once I got home.  

What happened here? 
 I checked the calendar.  
Well, that's what happened. 
 I need to learn to read a calendar because it's next week.
I am going to do this all over again next week.

I choose to find victory in the fact that I not only went, but I went by myself.  By myself and without passing out, vomiting, crying, or otherwise making a complete fool of myself.  

Screw you anxiety, I won today!!!!

That is all.