Inner Voice

It takes courage to grow up to become who you really are ~e.e. cummings~

 

When I was pregnant, I was terrified that I was going to be a mother.  I read everything I could find on how to be the best parent I could be.  Six months into the parenting thing I figured out a few things.  Number One: There is no way to be a perfect parent.  Number Two:  You are going to fuck your kid up.  There's just no way around it.  All you can do is try to minimize the damage and save for therapy.  Number Three:  Love your kid above all else and you'll make it all work out.  

That's it.  You're going to get tons of parenting advice when you have your first child.  This is what I tell those woman who ask me for advice.  "Listen to what everyone tells you to do, then ignore them all and do what feels right to you".  

One thing I do believe that all the experts are currently telling us is about your child's inner voice.  As they get older, that inner voice is usually going to be a repetition of the things you've said or not said to them throughout their life.  I've tried very hard to make sure that my daughter's inner voice is one that will help her to be a happy person.  She got her nose pierced today and needless to say, there are some people who are very unhappy about it.  She's too young, she's ruining her life, it's disgusting, blah blah blah blah.  I made sure I told her that I was proud of her and that I loved her.  She thanked me and then asked me why all the lovey dovey.  I told her that I wanted to make sure her inner voice was one that helped her and didn't make her feel bad.  I love my kid so much.  She said "My inner voice is me and I think I rock".  Somewhere, clearly, I've done something right.  So, you keep being you baby girl!  Don't let anyone tell you differently.  You can change this world and do it being the amazing person you are!  Know that I love you and will support you!  You're going to win in life and sometimes you're going to lose.  Through it all, I will be there.  Always.  I will fight for you when you cannot and will fight with you when you can.  My sweet girl.

 

I am unique. Do not compare me with anyone because I wasn't born to be like anyone, act like anyone and think like anyone. ~Frank Matobo~

Many people would be surprised that I'm not a big fan of kids in general.  There are exceptions to this rule of course.  Three of those exceptions are the fabulous and unique children above.  I am privileged enough to get to spend time with these children almost daily.  I love these children like they are my own.  

Sean, you are becoming an amazing man and I am so proud of you!  You know your path and you will follow it with passion and fearlessness.

Sarah, I have watched you blossom into a confident and beautiful young woman.  You no longer fade into the background but proclaim your uniqueness with a strong and powerful voice.  It is such an honor to be a small part of that blossoming.

Shanny.  So wise beyond your years.  You see deeply and truly to the heart of what is.  You fly your flag baby and you do it like nobody I've ever known.

Thank you, my sweet ones, for allowing me to be a part of your lives. 

Know that I love you and will fight for you like I would for Kim.

Know that you are lucky in the mother you have been given.

She will always allow you to be who you are and that is a rare gift.

May your inner voices always speak with love.

That is all.

Demons

We all have them.  Mine live in my head, where most of yours probably live too.  I wish mine would shut up.  I've spent too long feeling less than and for stupid reasons.  I'm trying so hard to feel like I deserve the things in life that many take for granted.  I deserve to be happy, loved, and respected.

 

Warning: rambling ahead..... 

It feels weird to not need your approval.  I spent so many years needing what you would never give me.  Not what you couldn't give me, but what you wouldn't.  I always thought that you didn't love me because there was something wrong with me.  After all, I was the common element in all of my failed relationships.  Clearly, I wasn't good enough.  Turns out, not only was I good enough, but you were really damn lucky that I loved you.  You really missed the boat.  It's okay.  If you had told me a year ago that I was about to say this, I'd have said you were crazy.  I am so glad that you didn't love me.  I am so glad that you made the decisions that you made that enabled me to move on.  Thank you!

Rambling ended.....

Just having one of those introspective nights with too much time to think.  Rather than numbing out the feelings and thoughts, I'm just letting them tumble and jumble.  Through it all, I keep internally chanting my positive self talk which is turning into a mantra.  I am trying to remember that what you believe is what you manifest.  So, I am worthy.  I am lovable.  I am loved.  I am beautiful.  

That is all.