I rarely participate in Black Friday. Once in a while, I will venture forth into the time between light and dark when the forces of evil have overtaken the whole consumerist world. This was such a year. The battle was epic and long, but I fought off my pillows and blanket to shut off my alarm clock. I staggered out of bed and wondered, not for the first time, just when I had lost my damn mind. Clothes, food, and most important of all at 4am, a cigarette. Beth looking refreshed because for her, this is sleeping in. (I know, right?) I stumbled to the outside stairs to await Becca and inhale my blessed nicotine. Off we go, the Dynamic Duo with our trusty sidekick, Tonto. We arrive at Fred Meyer and inhale yet another courage lifter.
We, being of slightly more sound mind than the rest of the shoppers, waited until the store opened and the surge of chaos had passed (or so I thought) to go inside. I needed a few things to round out my holiday shopping. With the exception of 3 small gifts and stocking stuffers, I'm done. Yes, you may hate me.
I was amazed at the Super Shoppers leaving the store at 5:07am with a cart full of items. 7 minutes. I almost bowed to them because that is incredible. However, the logistics involved....well, let's move on shall we? I'm smiling and taking deep breaths while trying to control my anxiety at going into a store for only the second time in three months. As I rounded the corner, I saw him. He was beautiful. He took up a huge part of the apparel entrance to Fred's. I couldn't believe his magnificence....I couldn't believe that he looked like 10 bins and 6 racks of socks. I pictured him taller somehow. More human-like but who am I to question the will of Him. The people were worshiping at his altar. Although, worshiping looked a lot like shoving, grabbing, and I'm pretty sure I saw hair-pulling. I let everyone worship in their own way. I don't judge.
Oh hell. Now you know I'm lying. I judge frequently. Everyone does. If you say you don't, now you're sitting in judgement and you're a freakin' liar to boot! These people were I N S A N E! I've never seen anything like it and I've watched Platoon, people! They were socks. I repeat, socks! Not the second coming of Christ, an appearance by Barbara, or the Sea Hawks making the Super Bowl. SOCKS!!!!!!!!!
Resume your normal life and check your socks carefully for any indication of holiness.
That is all.