Saturday, April 20, 2013

Victory In My Defeat

I've talked about my anxiety on the blog before.  
It is pretty severe and every time I think I'm getting better, I am reminded that I'm really not.  
I've talked about how some days, it takes everything I have to crawl out of bed.

Today, I crawled out of bed knowing that I had a garden project meeting.  
This is a great program.  They build you a 4'x8' raised bed garden, fill it with awesome soil, section it into 1' sections, provide you with training, seeds and starts.  

There are 3, two hour meetings.  The first one, today I thought, is where you learn about what grows here in Whatcom County and you order the seeds and starts that you would like.  Kevin ended up having to work because it is the Fun With The Fuzz 5K.  Kim and Beth had plans to volunteer at the Humane Society and then spend the day together just bumming around the mall, value village, and Goods Produce.  That left me on my own.  Going to an unfamiliar place with people I don't know.  Cue the anxiety.  I got dressed, I waited and waited for what seemed like forever until it was time to go.  I drove into town and got a coffee at  Cool Beans, then went to the ReStore where the meeting was being held.  I thought.

I get there and have to choose between the stairs and the elevator.  I was shaking a lot so I took the elevator because I didn't want to fall on the stairs and embarrass the crap out of myself.  Can we say wrong choice??  I get in the elevator which is tiny, but I can handle that.  The door closes.  The light does not work.  I am now in a pitch black box that is not moving.  At all.  I pulled out my phone for a bit of light.  Three minutes later the box finally ascends.  Sort of.  It groaned, stuttered, stopped at one point, and finally got to the 2nd floor.  The door stayed closed.  At this point, I really am proud of myself for not curling into a ball and sobbing until the vet showed up to put me down.  The door opens and I practically flew out of the death lift, shaking even more than when I got into it.  I walked down the to entrance door on this beautiful veranda with lovely plant boxes and nice chairs to sit in.  The door was locked.  There were no signs.  Nothing.  I knock on the door thinking maybe I got the time wrong and there was somebody in there.  Nothing.  I peek in the very dark windows.  Nobody.  I sit down in one of the chairs, take a sip of my coffee, and text Becca.  JoJo calls me back because B is driving (he went last year and he could tell me if I was in the right place).  I was in the right place.  A quick call to Julia (the coordinator) that went unanswered and I decided to take the stairs down and ask in the ReStore if anyone knew if I was in the right place at the right time.  Blank looks and shrugs.

At this point, I feel like I'm going to pass out so I go out to my car before I embarrass myself more.  I drive to the redbox at 7-11 and grab a few movies I had reserved for Beth, Kimmie, and myself.  Becca called to make sure that I was okay.  I was.  Ish.  I knew I'd be okay once I got home.  

What happened here? 
 I checked the calendar.  
Well, that's what happened. 
 I need to learn to read a calendar because it's next week.
I am going to do this all over again next week.

I choose to find victory in the fact that I not only went, but I went by myself.  By myself and without passing out, vomiting, crying, or otherwise making a complete fool of myself.  

Screw you anxiety, I won today!!!!

That is all.


  1. Awesome! Girl form on anxiety sufferer to another I feel ya. I have learned to trick my mind and I have almost beat it. It gets better everyday! Hugs

    1. You are truly awesome! I'm so glad that you've almost beat it! I will keep trucking, knowing that it can be beat! Thank you!