Peace

This might be my absolute favorite picture of my daughter.

We were in the car yesterday, zooming to get her to school on time.  (Which of course involved obeying all posted speed limits and laws of the road...ahem).  We had a nice visit with our friend Dawn after counseling and stayed a bit too long.  Fortunately, I am a freakin' amazing and safe driver and was able to arrive with two minutes to spare.  

Now, my daughter and I spend a lot of time together.  Between home schooling all but two of her classes and her being an only child; we hang, a lot.  We have a lot of really cool discussions between the fighting and the drama of pre-teenhood (I should really start trademarking these words). 

We started talking about loneliness and loving yourself and being happy.  These are some pretty deep subjects, especially for a quick car ride to school.  She asked why I'm not happy sometimes.  I told her that I find myself being very unhappy some of the time because I'm not at peace with myself or some of the decisions I've made.  I have a very hard time moving past things sometimes.  A lot of that is because I'm a creature of habit.  I've allowed my anxiety to create patterns for me and when something interrupts that pattern, it causes me no small bit of distress.  I digress.  Back to the point Miss Chatty. 

 You're going to make mistakes.  Big ones and small ones.  You're going to make decisions.  Right ones and wrong ones.  When you're wrong, learn from it.  Sometimes decisions will be made for you.  Experience the feelings, immerse yourself in the experiences; but know that you have to find a way to be at peace with yourself.  Don't let the war in your soul rage on too long.  Learn to let it go.  Know that sometimes you will not have what you want, no matter what.  No matter how much you love, how much you hope, you can't always get what you want.  Make peace with it and move on.  If you can find a way to restore peace to your soul, you will be able to be happy.  There will be times of turmoil, fear, depression, anxiety, desperation, and anger.  There will be times of calm, fearlessness, excitement, and wild happiness.  Regret isn't free.  It has a huge cost, so never buy it!  Meditate, breathe, and give yourself over to the peace in your soul.

I told her that if I could have just one thing in this world, it would be for her to have peace.

That is all.

Our House

I don't have any pictures of it yet, but Kev signed the papers on the house and we get the keys on Wednesday.

We have been working towards this for almost five years.  We've been actively working on this house for about six months.  Before that we spent 15 months with another house.  All in all, it's been a long road.  Every problem that came up, we worked through it.  There were times we just wanted to give up but we carried each other through it.  So yay to all five of us.  We rock.

It's our house.  

Ours.

Happy.

That is all.

Happy Birthday Mommy

My mother would be 64 today.  

Her favorite flower was Wisteria.  

Her favorite song was "What A Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong.

She favored strong, bold colors.

She read, she wrote, she sewed, she cooked, and she loved.

She was kind, loyal, beautiful, funny, smart, and genuinely nice.

She believed the best in people, even when they didn't believe in themselves.

She projected strength and love to the world.

She was secretly scared of so many things but so few saw that.

She was a wonderful friend, wife, and mother.

She taught me to always be true to myself.

To always take the pass less traveled.

She taught me that nobody can make me feel inferior without my permission.

She was amazing.

My friend Amanda said one of the most touching things I've ever heard about my mother:

"There are some people whose love reaches so deep inside of you they forever change your outlook on life. Just thought you should know she did that for me. The way she could see the good in people and offer grace made a permanent impression on me and I think of her often. Thanks for sharing her with me. You are such a beautiful reflection of who she was. What a legacy she left behind!"

If you've still got your mom, give her a hug and remember how lucky you are!

That is all.

Wishes

Gone are the days when I picked up a fluffy dandelion, wished with all my heart, and blew the seeds into the wind.

Today, I closed my eyes and wished with all of what I am.

I wished for my friend Dawn to get well.

I wished for my friend Ducks to be able to be happy.

I wished for my friend Susy to find her new place in life.

I wished for me to always have these people in my life.

Wish hard.  Love hard.  Be happy.

That is all.

Some Days You're the Grill.....

and some days you're the Kenny.

Tell me you got that...please.

Quick update since it's been a while.

Still struggling with food and exercise.  No excuses.  I just have been sucking.

Got the appraisal done by the lenders and they estimated repairs at $11,000.  Apparently we're using gold plated everything.  So, we're trying to get the go ahead to do the work ourselves and it's going to cost us, my best educated guess, less than half of that.  The most expensive is fixing the damn balcony and with Kenny (LOL  totally unintended, he's Kev's cousin.) and the miracle of the ReStore, I hope to keep that cost down.

Still working on my anger issues.  Trying to remember that nothing productive comes from being so angry about things.  Trying to breathe deeply, crawl out of the funk, and be okay with the world.

Working on recruiting more for my Avon team.  I missed Avon and the companionship of some amazing women (and a few good men).  It's helping me get out of the house and back into public a little more.  Going to set a goal to walk and hang catalogs on doors with my kiddo a few times a week.  You can click on the link above to get to my website if you're in need of anything.  Yep, pimping the Avon on my blog.

All right lovelies, it's time to shut my trap and get some school work done.  Enjoy your weekend!

That is all.

 

Careless Words

 

Whew!  What a week!  It's been busy, productive, frustrating, sad, happy, and pretty much every tumbling emotion you can come up with right off the top of your head.  A bit roller coastery which isn't how I like life but roller coasters happen.  Grab on and try to enjoy it while it happens.  If you can't enjoy it, just try not to throw up!  Wow, I should really put that on a T-shirt.  

Back to school on Monday.  I enjoyed the week off but I'm ready to start learning new things.  I got my books yesterday and I'm pleased to report that both of them together weigh two pounds less than one of my books for one of my classes last quarter.  Yes, I just randomly weighed my books for school.  See what happens when you give me a week off?

I get caught up in the world of me pretty frequently.  I don't remember if I bought the sticker in the picture above or if a friend bought it for me but either way, it was because it's a good description of me.  I tend to feel the world revolves around me and most days you'd hear me say "and rightly so".  I know this about myself and have tried very hard not to let that make me a completely centrally focused asshole.  While caught up in the minutia of life, I don't always think about what I'm saying or how I'm saying it.  I know I'm not alone in this, because many people have this problem.  I'm not asking for a hallelujah or anything, just a little tilt of your head as you decide if this pertains to you as well.  As I've grown, I've tried to learn to think before I speak.  Sometimes the mouth engages before the brain.  Out pops something unintentionally rude or offensive and I'm off and running before I even realize that it could have been hurtful or damaging to someone I love.  

(Just a side note: This does not include when I'm being intentionally rude or offensive.  I've mentioned before that goodness abounds but niceness is something you'd better get some place else!)  

When I love someone, I do it with all that I am.  I don't always do it right, but I do it the best way that I know how.  I don't love easily and when I love you; that's it for me.  I love you even when you're being a snotbucket or when you're bringing me azaleas because I was upset.  Unless you endanger my child, shatter the lives of those I love, or physically harm my loved ones; you're kind of stuck with me.  I will laugh with you, cry with you, pick you up when you fall, and help you bury the body.  When I hurt you with careless words, especially ones that hurt you deeply, I will be devastated and beg for your forgiveness.  It doesn't matter what the circumstances were, if I hurt you; I've done something that will eat away at me.  I strive every day to never hurt those that I love (regardless of whether or not that is possible) and will do all I can to make their lives better.

I hope that you'll take a moment to think before you speak and remember that a careless word can hurt someone you love very deeply.

That is all.

Winter Quarter - Check please!

Which is what I intend to do this week! 

I just finished up and turned in the last of my school work for this quarter and I'm free for a week.  Here's your check winter quarter and it looks like you owe me an A and an A-.  That's right.  Pay up!

I'm existing right now.  Having a hard time emotionally dealing with stuff.  I tried to make a stand and say "Here's what I'm feeling".  The sound of the bullets shooting me down was loud and clear.  Keep mouth shut and suck it up was the message.  Haven't decided how I'm going to handle that message yet.  I'll let you know as soon as I scrape the boot marks off my back.  

Still trying to get the house.  So frustrating that the underwriters are changing what they want every time they get what they asked for.  We'll just keep plugging.  

Not exercising enough and I need to get back to it.  I have let so many things fall by the wayside.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and I need to get the fuck over it, to be brutally honest.  I've stuck myself in this cycle of self hell and knowing it's my own doing makes it click right along.

So looking forward to my California trip with the kiddo next month.  I've missed the last two years and if I don't get out of here for a week soon, well, let's just say it won't be pretty!

Would somebody send me the strength to deal with my daughter's dad?  I've just become so annoyed and irritated with the whole "Which way did he go George?" routine that I find myself being snotty and rude to him.  Not good.  I know that I'm not the only person sick of having the same conversations over and over until I feel like I could just record it all and hit play when it comes around again.  Hey, while you're helping me with the strength to deal with him, how about with my friends husband?  

That's it.  Tahiti.  It's the only option.  B and I will pack up, swing down and grab Sus, and hit the beach.  We'll get a great nanny for the kids and spend May in Tahiti.  Pack up girls, we're getting off this rock!

Thanks for reading the ramblings!  Have a great weekend.

That is all.