Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Necessary Humiliation

Then and Now

The now, as of Monday, is  pounds at the doctor's office.  With clothes and shoes.  They get weird when you strip down apparently.

Why am I telling you this?  It's because the time for action has come, gone, and come around again.  I have been considering surgery.  I have found a co-signer for a medical loan to get a lap-sleeve.  With this surgery, I can save my life.  All I have to do is chop up my body.  From the very first time this was brought up, I have shied away from it.  Say it out loud and hear how it sounds to you, "All I have to do, is chop up my body".  Pretty scary, isn't it?

I have done this to myself.  I have done everything with food but kill myself and hey, if I keep this up, I'll do that too.  I will die if I do not heal myself.  Another scary thing that I have a hard time saying out loud.  This is not news to me.  However, this is the first time I've felt it to the very core of my being.  Blood Pressure: perfectly fine, a little low even.  Cholesterol:  perfectly fine, better than my doctor's.  Diabetes: nope.  I am disgustingly healthy for someone "my size".  Goddess how I hate those two words, "my size".  Like everything that is said has to add those two little words.  

I watched Food Matters on Monday, right after the scale at the doctor's office showed me that I had reached that forbidden, disgusting, and humiliating number.  I cried.  I cried for my mother, who didn't have to die.  I cried for my daughter, who doesn't have to be on medication.  I cried for me.  I cried because I don't have to die.  I cried because I might be able to keep my daughter from going through losing her mother way too early.  Like I did.  

Tuesday morning I began a transition that is already giving me new life. That I know will save my life.  I am slowly transitioning to a mostly raw food diet.  I've been having coconut milk and fruit smoothies for breakfast.  If I get hungry before lunch, I snack on fresh fruits, vegetables, raw nuts, or raw sunflower seeds.  Lunch and dinner are not raw foods exclusively but do include fresh fruits and vegetables.  Snacks are nuts, seeds, fruits or vegetables (raw of course) or an organic Clif bar if I feel the need for something cooked. 

This is my fifth day of a raw breakfast.  My energy is already increasing by leaps and bounds.  I'm already having a better quality of sleep, which is something I thought I would never have again.  I know I've lost weight and I feel amazing.  If I'm hungry, I eat something raw.  I don't deny myself eating because I know that what I'm eating is making me a better, healthier, and happier human being.

I will probably never stop eating cooked food entirely but I can tell you that I will eat a lot less of it in the future.  There are side effects as my body detoxes from the cooked food.  They'll go away eventually.  I can deal with the break outs because I know it's the toxins leaving my body.  I can feel the health that is rushing to replace those toxins and it feels amazing.

I have to blog about this.  I have to be honest with myself and the only way I can do that right now is to get it all out here.  I've lied to myself for far too long.  Here's hoping that you will help me with this journey and help me move towards a healthy me.

That is all.


  1. Hey there, I applaud your honesty. I wish you the best. Keep posting!!

  2. Good for you! I wish you the best of luck in your journey!

  3. Clap Clap this takes a loot of courage to post about something so personal. Keep us posted so we can give you a type of encouragement you need through your journey. Merry Christmas......

  4. Go girl go...Sounds like you've taken very important steps...they do get easier as you progress...keep the faith, we love you.
    Merry Christmas and a very evenful New Year to you and yours
    Uncle Dana

  5. Blessings to you! What an act of bravery to divulge your weight, and an act of self-love to be healthy. :-)

  6. Thank you all for your support. I know I'll need it in the months to come! Blessings and Peace!