Week 1

I know I just blogged on Saturday about all this but last Monday is when I started the changes in my life.

\A 5 pound weight loss this week.  Considering it was a holiday week, I feel pretty good about the loss.  Yesterday was the only day that I ate/drank cooked food before lunch.  Kev brought me a chai when he came over yesterday for stockings in the morning.  Steamed milk is not a raw food but hey, the chai was good and it was xmas. :)

I feel better although some of the things this body is doing while it releases toxins makes me very unhappy.  We'll just leave it at that.

I'm drinking my last soda today.  After this it's milk, freshly squeezed fruit juices, vegetable juices, and wonderful fabulous water.  

Yesterday was a great day.  Family, friends, food, and presents.  I enjoyed spending time with my dad and alternomomma.  At one point I looked around and took a few minutes to remember Christmases past.  Good times then and now.

This coming week is a big one for me.  I tend to jump off track the second week but with no counting, no writing, and one simple rule; I should be fine.

Thanks for listening to me.

That is all.

A Necessary Humiliation

Then and Now

The now, as of Monday, is  pounds at the doctor's office.  With clothes and shoes.  They get weird when you strip down apparently.

Why am I telling you this?  It's because the time for action has come, gone, and come around again.  I have been considering surgery.  I have found a co-signer for a medical loan to get a lap-sleeve.  With this surgery, I can save my life.  All I have to do is chop up my body.  From the very first time this was brought up, I have shied away from it.  Say it out loud and hear how it sounds to you, "All I have to do, is chop up my body".  Pretty scary, isn't it?

I have done this to myself.  I have done everything with food but kill myself and hey, if I keep this up, I'll do that too.  I will die if I do not heal myself.  Another scary thing that I have a hard time saying out loud.  This is not news to me.  However, this is the first time I've felt it to the very core of my being.  Blood Pressure: perfectly fine, a little low even.  Cholesterol:  perfectly fine, better than my doctor's.  Diabetes: nope.  I am disgustingly healthy for someone "my size".  Goddess how I hate those two words, "my size".  Like everything that is said has to add those two little words.  

I watched Food Matters on Monday, right after the scale at the doctor's office showed me that I had reached that forbidden, disgusting, and humiliating number.  I cried.  I cried for my mother, who didn't have to die.  I cried for my daughter, who doesn't have to be on medication.  I cried for me.  I cried because I don't have to die.  I cried because I might be able to keep my daughter from going through losing her mother way too early.  Like I did.  

Tuesday morning I began a transition that is already giving me new life. That I know will save my life.  I am slowly transitioning to a mostly raw food diet.  I've been having coconut milk and fruit smoothies for breakfast.  If I get hungry before lunch, I snack on fresh fruits, vegetables, raw nuts, or raw sunflower seeds.  Lunch and dinner are not raw foods exclusively but do include fresh fruits and vegetables.  Snacks are nuts, seeds, fruits or vegetables (raw of course) or an organic Clif bar if I feel the need for something cooked. 

This is my fifth day of a raw breakfast.  My energy is already increasing by leaps and bounds.  I'm already having a better quality of sleep, which is something I thought I would never have again.  I know I've lost weight and I feel amazing.  If I'm hungry, I eat something raw.  I don't deny myself eating because I know that what I'm eating is making me a better, healthier, and happier human being.

I will probably never stop eating cooked food entirely but I can tell you that I will eat a lot less of it in the future.  There are side effects as my body detoxes from the cooked food.  They'll go away eventually.  I can deal with the break outs because I know it's the toxins leaving my body.  I can feel the health that is rushing to replace those toxins and it feels amazing.

I have to blog about this.  I have to be honest with myself and the only way I can do that right now is to get it all out here.  I've lied to myself for far too long.  Here's hoping that you will help me with this journey and help me move towards a healthy me.

That is all.

Trimming The Trees

I get the pleasure of not only decorating our family tree every year, but getting to help decorate Becca's family tree.  So here is a mish mash of the decorating that occurred on Sunday and Monday.  All pictures of B's family tree were taken by the amazing Becca.  All pictures of my family tree are taken by my cell phone, I'm sure you'll notice the quality difference. 

Starting top left, going clockwise.  Shan won rock paper scissors and got to hang the first ornament (B's tree); My sister, Kim's friend Abby, Kim, and Kev posing in front of the decorated tree (S's tree); Getting the trees at Tom's U-Cut with Papa, Nana and Dave; the gang playing "the game" in front of the tree (yes, I encourage this horrible behavior);  Sean and Seth getting ornaments to hang; the Susan family tree; the Becca family tree from outside (looks wicked cool); Kim being held up by Abby to put the angel on our tree; Kim and Sarah picking ornaments to hang. 

These were two fabulous days with lots of fabulous people.

Happy Holidays everyone.  Whether you celebrate Yule, Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, nothing, or something I haven't heard of; have a safe and wonderful week.  May you be blessed with Peace and Love.

That is all.

Blog Awards

I was pretty excited when Cyn over at Misadventures of a Chunky Goddess gave me a shout out with the One Lovely Blog Award and the Tell Me About Yourself Award.  Both awards ask that you thank the person who gave you the award and pass it along to 15 other bloggers.  The Tell Me About Yourself Award also asks that I tell you 7 things that you might not know about me.

1. I have 2 tattoos.  One of Marvin the Martian as a tribute to a dead friend and a flower with my mothers initials in a runic alphabet above it.  My dad has the same tattoo on his arm.

2. I have a passion for 80's music.  A deep passion.  We're talking hair bands, pop, metal, all of it.

3. I was/am a Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel fan.  Yep.  It's true.  I harbor a previously secret crush on Anthony Stewart Head.

4. I kick ass on Wii's Michael Jackson Experience.  My Thriller score is 5 stars with a score of 11,315.  I'm so damn competitive that when anyone in the family or my best friends family beats my Thriller score, I work until I'm on top again.  

5. I was probably 14 before I realized that cranberry sauce didn't always come out of a can and that you probably shouldn't eat anything shaped like that.  Unfortunately I still prefer the canned junk but at least I eat the organic now...that makes it better, right?

6.  I'm scared of opossums.  Guhross!  Yucky.  I love hedgehogs though!  Yay hedgehogs.  Boo opossums.

Cute:

No possible way to make cute:  

I just want us all to be clear where I stand on the opossum issue.  

7.  Wow.  This is harder than it looks.  I love mint.  Mint Tea, Minty (inside joke), Grasshopper cookies, York peppermint patties, candy canes, Junior Mints, peppermint mochas or lattes, all of it.  The smell of mint makes me smile.  

Now that you know way more than you possibly wanted to know about me, here are the people that I am passing these awards on to.  Drop by their blogs and give them some love!

 Mommy Bags

If WTF Friday does not make you pee yourself laughing while making you mad, you're not reading it correctly!

Good Girl Gone Green

Steph rocks my world with her passion for this planet!

Crunchy Betty

Bought the book, think she's fab, and so inspiring!

Not Winning Mom of the Year

Well hell, neither am I!

I am baker

One word: NOM!

Letters to Mo

This is such a great idea and I love knowing that her son will read these some day.

A Day In The Wife

I just found this blog today.  I cannot stop laughing/commiserating with Julie, the wife.

Life With Four Crazy Kids

Great stories and adorable kids.

From Flab to Fab

and Ellen is fab!

I have to get some sleep.  Long weekend ahead!  Blessings and Peace,

That is all.

December

I love the holidays and I dislike the holidays.  I think that is pretty common for most people. 

I love the holidays because for many people, this is when they are thinking of others.  They go out of their way to be kind, to help others, and to give generously of their excess to those without.  I dislike the holidays because that should be a year round feeling.  You shouldn't wait until December to think of your fellow man.  Even if all you do is smile at five people a day, you have done something positive to help others.  December is a great time to give to Food Banks, but have you thought of July?  It's hot out and the kids are out of school.  There's not a lot of extra time.  So many people feel that way that Food Banks get desperate come summer time.  The good feelings of December are so far away so who really worries about it?  Homeless shelters serve people year round but they don't get a lot of attention in April.  By April you've transitioned to your spring clothes, shoved most of the winter clothes away until it gets cold again.  You're heaters are already off or about to be turned off.  You're starting to look at refreshing dinners instead of hearty dinners.  The people sleeping outside or in a shelter are still cold.  They are still hungry.

I love the holidays because they are full of people giving.  I dislike the holidays because they are full of greed.  Including mine.  Who doesn't like new shiny pretty stuff?  I sure do.  If it's got buttons and knobs and looks gadgety (totally a word people!) then I'm all for it.  I try not to get caught up in the wanting and the shopping but I can't help myself.  Then January comes around and we've got all this extra stuff that we don't need and really didn't want as badly as we thought we did.  Every year, I tell myself that we don't need to do this and every year, guilty.  As my daughter is getting older, I'm thinking of putting a one gift limit on the grandparents and then asking them to contribute to one of the shelters in the area in the spirit of life.  I'd like to turn to homemade gifts for the family and spend the rest of the money that I would have spent on useless stuff, on things that could help other human beings.

Am I the only one disgusted with our consumerism?  Our greed?  Our need of excess?

I know, enough preachy.  Who wants to be brought down, it's December.

On a good note, my daughter bought her best friend a holiday present that she knew she would love.  Today, in the car, she said "Mom, I'm so excited for Yuleakamas (Yule/Chanukah/Christmas; being in my family is confusing)."  I was scared to ask why, but I did.  "I can't wait to see Sarah's face when she opens her gift because she is going to be so happy".

These are the moments people.  The ones that make us proud.  The ones that bring a tear to the eye and joy to our hearts.  Knowing that we've done something right to bring these amazing people into the world.  Knowing that they will better the things that we have screwed up.

I think I love December after all.

That is all.

Irresponsibility

I'm sure I've blogged about it before and I know I'll blog about it again at some point.  I may at times ramble and be a bit off track, you should be used to that if you've read my blog before.

 

Irresponsibility pisses me off.  YOU are in charge of your life.  YOU make choices and those choices have consequences, good or bad.  Yes, occasionally things happen that are out of your control.  Do we need a definition of the word occasionally?  It is an adverb that means at infrequent or irregular intervals.  Not all the time.  Your action, or inaction, is almost always what causes things to happen, or not happen, in your life.  The world does not happen to you, you are responsible for what happens in your life.  Do you have to like it?  No, but you need to take responsibility for it.

 

I'm fat.  Do you know how I got fat?  God did it.  Just kidding!  I made bad choices and now I am physically paying that price.  

 

Look at that.  Responsibility accepted.  Now, I've accepted passive responsibility.  I need to do something about it.

The world is full of people either not taking responsibility or taking passive responsibility.  It needs people who take active responsibility.  What does that mean, active responsibility?  It means acknowledging your responsibility and doing something to fix the situation, make sure the situation doesn't happen again, or at the very least, doing something to make up for your part of the clusterfuck you have created.  Why do I assume that the situation isn't positive?  Do you really need to ask?  If the situation is a positive one, you rarely find people not accepting responsibility.

Let's look at the fat situation shall we?  Why did I gain weight?  I have a slow metabolism.  I'm inundated with pictures of food, usually not good for me, all the time through the media.  I didn't know that double double at In N Out was bad for me.  Fast forward two years and I've lost the equivalent of an average adult non-American male.  Look at what I did!  I worked hard and I lost all the weight.  It was all me.  I am amazing because I have triumphed over this horrible affliction.

I hope at this point somebody has slapped the snot out of me.  What a hypocrite!  Would I be awesome for losing that weight?  HELL YEAH!  What would be even better?   If I acknowledged why I was fat in the first place.  Bad choices=bad results.  Occasionally, bad choices=good results.  Hey, check out that word again.  Pretty cool how I did that.  *Please tell me you just rolled your eyes*

People love to point fingers at why things in this country and/or world are the way that they are.  It boils down to responsibility.  We expect people to fix the problems that exist but we won't even accept active responsibility for our own actions.  Saying that you accept responsibility and then doing the same thing again is not accepting responsibility.  It's telling people what they want to hear so they will shut up.  It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  It's insanity. 

 

I don't care what you did or why.  I just want you to suck it up, acknowledge that for one shining moment you fucked up, and fix it.  That goes for me too!  Did you forget to tell your wife you were out of coffee filters and it's time for bed?  Here's what I want to hear. "I screwed up and forgot to tell you that we're out of coffee filters.  Here's how I'm going to fix it.  *insert appropriate way to deal with situation*.  Did you lose your license because you committed a misdemeanor hit and run?  Here's what I want to hear. "I made a bad choice.  I will take the bus/walk/ride a bike and not tell you how unfair it is that you can still drive".  Did you get fat because you ate shit that you knew was bad for you?  "I made myself fat.  It is not your fault and I will work to make myself healthier".  Did you promise to lower taxes than screw everyone who voted for you?  "I lied to you.  You have no reason to believe me again.  I will work to regain your trust and do what is right".  Did the person you voted for lie?  Do you not like what is going on in our political world?  Did you not vote?  "I will vote.  I will run for office.  I will find someone to run for office that I trust.  I will work to get the people elected that I think will make a difference.  I will protest the injustice of our economy".  

 

It's all about choices.

Own. Your. Shit.

The world will be a better place.

That is all.

The Second Coming of Socks

I rarely participate in Black Friday.  Once in a while, I will venture forth into the time between light and dark when the forces of evil have overtaken the whole consumerist world.  This was such a year.  The battle was epic and long, but I fought off my pillows and blanket to shut off my alarm clock.  I staggered out of bed and wondered, not for the first time, just when I had lost my damn mind.  Clothes, food, and most important of all at 4am, a cigarette.  Beth looking refreshed because for her, this is sleeping in.  (I know, right?)  I stumbled to the outside stairs to await Becca and inhale my blessed nicotine.  Off we go, the Dynamic Duo with our trusty sidekick, Tonto.  We arrive at Fred Meyer and inhale yet another courage lifter.  

We, being of slightly more sound mind than the rest of the shoppers, waited until the store opened and the surge of chaos had passed (or so I thought) to go inside.  I needed a few things to round out my holiday shopping.  With the exception of 3 small gifts and stocking stuffers, I'm done.  Yes,  you may hate me.  

I was amazed at the Super Shoppers leaving the store at 5:07am with a cart full of items.  7 minutes.  I almost bowed to them because that is incredible.  However, the logistics involved....well, let's move on shall we?  I'm smiling and taking deep breaths while trying to control my anxiety at going into a store for only the second time in three months.  As I rounded the corner, I saw him.  He was beautiful.  He took up a huge part of the apparel entrance to Fred's.  I couldn't believe his magnificence....I couldn't believe that he looked like 10 bins and 6 racks of socks.  I pictured him taller somehow.  More human-like but who am I to question the will of Him.  The people were worshiping at his altar.  Although, worshiping looked a lot like shoving, grabbing, and I'm pretty sure I saw hair-pulling.  I let everyone worship in their own way.  I don't judge.

Oh hell.  Now you know I'm lying.  I judge frequently.  Everyone does.  If you say you don't, now you're sitting in judgement and you're a freakin' liar to boot!  These people were I N S A N E!  I've never seen anything like it and I've watched Platoon, people!  They were socks.  I repeat, socks!  Not the second coming of Christ, an appearance by Barbara, or the Sea Hawks making the Super Bowl.  SOCKS!!!!!!!!!

Resume your normal life and check your socks carefully for any indication of holiness. 

That is all.